The Eight Habits of Successful Trumps

My Dear Herr Drumpf .... You may not remember me but my husband, Rinse Plebiscite, introduced us at that meeting where a lot of really important men gathered to learn from you and from what Rinse calls your singular ability to encourage people to agree with you. Rinse's real name might interest you ... it's Rheinhold, though his parents never talked about which Rheinhold they had in mind when they gave him that beautiful WW-II name. I do know that he's been brushing up on his Goethe and Wagner.

I'm not writing to you, though, about Rinse ... he seems to have done quite well for himself and now runs the Good Olde Boyz BoysBand, even though he's barely half the age of the average leader in his group. That's pretty good, right, Mr. D. No. It's about my own kids. that I'm writing. Here we are in an old picture.

God has blessed us with a boy and a girl and I've made certain to lose all my baby weight, as Rheiny told me that it was really important to you that women continue to look like they never had a baby, at all. I told Rinse that it was important that he and our son both grow to be real men .. Broad Shoulders, Big Bellies and Zafta Grosse Tuches. But that I remain teeny-slim but whose " (like Honeybuns in South Pacific) Broad where a Broad Should be Broad. I've been trying to feed him right ... Buckets of KFC, Caine's 999 Pizzas and Fried Hog Bellies. But back to my question:

We're not so worried about our little girl and have already set up a Katie Gibbs fund to get her through school when the time is right. It's the future of any Little Rinses that I worry about ... y'know ... das kleine schpritzer and any schpritzes that come along, later. So, please, help me know how best to raise my son so that he grows up to be a lot like you. I did write a letter  to Susan Shlafly but it was returned. Oops!

Where's our Guiding Star for Women?

Thanking you in advance for any assistance you might give me, I remain your admiring fan ... 

Mrs. S. Plebescite



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My Dear S. ... Your letter, itself, is a good start. You've come to not only the right place but the only place to get this question answered. I know more about raising children -- sons and daughters -- than all the Psychologists ...So, even before I begin ... before I say another word ... really important ... before I begin: "Don't listen to any of the Elite experts. They are responsible for all the weaknesses and faults and sissinesses in our sons, particularly, and they make our daughters grow up to be shrill, fat, flat-chested and ugly women who look more like Beagles than Beauty Queens. Can you imagine? Some women are fat, flat-chested and ugly." That's important. That's really important.

To your question ... I love to answer questions directly and -- believe me -- I know more about me than anybody and I intend to keep it that way. So, here are eight boy-raising techniques that are most likely to raise a Closer and a Fighter and a Man -- maybe not as rich as me but -- Richer than my Father ... and Richer than your Husband, too ... a lot richer than Rinse. Rinse has become a good and fair man but Men with names like Rinse or Schpritz can never rise to Real Menhood with a name like that ... 

Rule 1. Men need to carry a moniker like Hose or Rod or Dick or, of course, Donald. Think of all the great Donalds you know ... starting with me. Don't ... I repeat Don't ... Don't ever let your son think his name is Rinse, Jr. Try calling him Hose'emDown-Don (long names with lots of initials do the trick).  My Dad used to tell me every morning: Hose'em Down, Don and then he'd chuckle. So, that's Rule 1. and really important. 

Rule 2. From an early age, teach your son what to call little girls. The Little Guy must come to realize that being a Guy has power. Calling your sister, Sis, is for Sissies. That Dokteur from Vienna said that boys need to have pride in their penises ... Phallic Narcissism, he called it. 

What help most  are two things:

Teach your little guy that he has the biggest penis since Alex Phallics, the First Prince of the Weimar Republik and no other man's is as big. To settle the matter, tutor him in calling his boy playmates by endearing names like ... Little, Lyin', Crooked, Wee-Wee-Macher and Phyllis.  He's gotta learn early how to make other guys feel small.

Let his first words be endearing words about pretty little girls who agree with him and make certain he calls  any girl who doesn't agree with him either Dog-Face or Fat-Ass. That'll fill him with Self-Esteem and even the Tree-Huggers will tell you: that's important.

Rule 3. As you already know, diet is very important. Keep up the KFC and make certain that the chickens are genetically modified so as to make them Finger-Lickin'-Good ... which brings me to his fingers and how he eats.

Rule 4. Maybe you've noticed how I articulate words very carefully by rounding my mouth. The Pursed and Round Mouth are hypnotic. Little Rinse is likely to sometimes say things imperfectly but if he holds his mouth "just so" people will watch his mouth and not hear the occasional malapropism. Now my parents (don't let him call you Mom unless you want to raise a Sissy) trained me to keep my mouth rounded by having me suck on -- initially -- Hebrew National Hot Dogs and only then to move up to Bratwurst. It's the Bratwurst that really did it for me and I've tried my best to get my Lady Surrogates to do that mouth thing but a lot of them don't have it in them. Jeb was really bad at it. I had hopes for Little Marco, but he failed me, too. Now, Kristie Kreme, Rudolph the Red Nosed Mayor  and Neuro-Ben? They got the hang of it and it's like Bicycle Riding ... They never forget how to get their lips, once they learn.

Rule 5. Hit the Little Brat every time he tells the truth. Lies will set him free from keeping it real. People don't want a Real Man to Keep it Real. I hear some people think they can get me on the School or Taxes or Illegal Business in Havana or Shooting Someone on 5th Avenue ... Don't let him believe that he can be caught in lies. To the contrary, support every one of his lies and hire some Dog-Faces and Fat-Pigs to swear on all that is sacred that the lie is true. And don't let him believe it's not. Get Preacher Mike whose got the mouth thing down to a religion (some call him Reverend Bratwurst) to swear that he heard God say that it was true.

Rule 6. This is the most important and training should begin by six years of age. Any time, your son gets caught doing something, you deny it and have him deny it. You have to deny it and say: "No, I know it was Billy down the street who did it. I know for sure. Believe your Mom and Dad ... You didn't do it." If he gets sloppy about it and forgets to blame somebody else, remind him that in the Old Testament, everyone was smart enough to deny any involvement in matters of sin until Ch. 37 of Genesis and that had to do with paying a hooker.  Tell'em that guy was Judah and no one named Judah ever got to be CEO or ROTU (Ruler of the Universe). Buy him a Big Leather Chair, too.

Rule 7. Really important, too. Tell him that he's really the Center of the Universe and prove it to him. Have him go around and listen ... 

Where do all the sounds go? To his ears;

Where are all visions coming? To his eyes;

Where are all smells going? To his nose;

Who can taste that Bratwurst while it's in his mouth? Only him; and

When he puts his hand in his pants who can feel? Well ... we don't have to go there, do we.

Rule 8. Never let Little Guy admit to hurting anyone else. Only wussies admit to hurting other people. He can either blame Billy-down-the-Street or just deny that it ever occurred. This may be the most important skill for a man to learn. Get him his own Doctor (particuklarly a Derm for any Rosacea) and his own Team of Lawyers, before he's seven and send him to Military Akademy by 10. Repeat for him: 

I always follow the law and smartly! 

Talk to my Lawyers. 

Just talk to my lawyers. 

I don't talk about that, anymore.
Talk to my lawyers!

He'll grow up just-so, if you do. Just with these first 8 rules of childhood pedagogy, you'll get a Good Ole Little Rich Kid who believes that everything he says has an implicit importance just because of all that Self-Esteem ... Ain't nothin' like Self-Esteem and a Bucket of KFC:

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There is a Rule 9 but it's a secret. When I was young, it was before the Polio Vaccines and every block and just about every class had a cripple in it ... short arm? short leg? Since then -- I don't wanna say it's too bad but it kinda is -- it's harder to find people to make fun of. Maybe you could bring your son to a place for multiply handicapped kids ... Nah! When others go low, I go high!

Happy to help ... D. J. Drumpf, President